The One Where I Talk About Whats In My Purse

I thought there were only a few things that would cause me to loose readers, my love/hate for the Kardashians, random video game posts, and the fact that the majority of my pictures are of cats. But I’ve found one more.

You know what people don’t talk about enough? Stool samples.  Who knew it was so much work, and not fun at all! And really, really gross. I thought it was going to be all like ‘deposit here, we’re done, yay!’.  No, it was a much more difficult test. I’ve been having some digestive issues for a while and since the doctor knew I had been out of the country, accidently drinking contained well water, he wanted to make sure I didn’t have a giant worm in my stomach eating all of my food.

I’m not talking about this kind of sample.

My first assignment was to go to the testing center to pick up my supplies. The woman hands me 3 small plastic bags each containing 2 pill bottles of liquid. She puts those, 3 plastic cups, and my pamphlet of instructions into a much larger clear plastic bag with a giant biohazard symbol on it which I now have to walk the 10 blocks home with. I’m already having so much fun.

Once in the comforts of my own home, I start to delve into the reading materials.  It says that you should use a bedpan to collect your specimen.  Why would I have that? It also suggested I use a plastic bag. Absolutely not, I will not participate in this like a band member on a tour bus. I refuse. And the plastic cups, well, those came in handy as water dishes for when Belle and I went to the park.

I went about it the old fashioned way, no cups, bags, or bedpans to juggle. It was hard enough taking pictures of myself curling my hair in that teeny tiny bathroom, I can’t imagine trying to attempt something else. With the curling iron the worst that could happen was I’d had a burned finger or hair, with this…. Well I won’t even discuss the worst that could happen. So, once you have, how do I put this politely, “powdered your nose”, you are to take the pill bottle, remove the lid, which has an attached sharp edged spoon on it, and collect your ‘sample’ into the pill bottle. Close the lid tightly. One more time with the other bottle with the other color liquid. For THREE days! It might be the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.

Oh wait. Actually this might be worse. So once I’ve completed all the assignments, I take all the pill bottles, put them in the biohazard bag, and then place that bag into another non-clear bag. I walk back to the testing center on the way to start a fun day of flea market shopping. Upon arriving, I learn that they are closed. Closed! There is no way I’m going all the way back home – I would have just admitted defeat. Instead I continued my day as if everything was normal. As if I wasn’t carrying around my specimen samples in my Fendi purse! We went shopping together, we rode the bus together, we had lunch, we rescued squirrels, tried on shoes, it was a fun, awkward day for the both of us, my specimen and I that is.

The end results? Everything is fine, I do not have a Costa Rican parasite, E-coli, or salmonella.

Huh, I got through that whole thing without saying poop. Oh shit, I just said it.  See what I defecated there?

Anywayssssss, lets never speak of this again.

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5 thoughts on “The One Where I Talk About Whats In My Purse

  1. After all that you don’t have a “giant worm” in your stomach eating all your food. So then what is the cause of your all digestive issues??

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